no, he came in my armpit
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
