talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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