how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
