Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
