you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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