You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
