last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Randomize
