I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
