The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
