She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
