her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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