I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
