i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
