I could make wine with my vomit
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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