Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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