My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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