I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
