my phone needs a breathalizer
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
