I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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