So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he fucked my hip out of place.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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