While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
