I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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