that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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