proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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