I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
