Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
