Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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