I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
