Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
