I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
