I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
