My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He has the fingertips of a God
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