Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I believe in your delicious
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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