I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
