Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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