Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
