I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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