I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
