Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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