Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
