i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
