i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
