She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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