Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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