Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
