Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
