If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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