grandma shit on top of the toilet
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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