Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
