I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
